I am still cleaning off the diarrhea smudges with my new windshield wipers—and police officers continue to ticket me for 'illegally tinted windows.'

Notes from Phineas Screed, PhD, editor of The Faux Review: Failed attempt to appeal to my humanity. I don’t like reminders of my humiliation.

An elderly couple stood stranded on the sidewalk outside Chick-Fil-A as cars crawled bumper to bumper around the drive-thru. I’d been watching them since I queued up.

There once lived a cat whom the devil begat. He fouled up my stew and then swallowed it too. That nasty little brat.