Letter to the Editor: Keep Those Diaper-Spewing Garbage Trucks Off Our Streets

"I am still cleaning off the diarrhea smudges with my new windshield wipers—and police officers continue to ticket me for 'illegally tinted windows.'"

Dear City Council Members:

I am writing to demand that the city ban garbage trucks from the roads and pursue an alternative waste management system. These trucks do nothing but clog our streets, waste our time, and scatter my neighbor’s diapers across the city.

In the past week, I have been trapped behind 26 garbage trucks on narrow, two-lane roads, unable to pass because I can’t see around them. They crawl along like turtles, stopping every 10 yards, including in the middle of intersections. Thanks to these trucks, I have missed an early morning doctor’s appointment, arrived over an hour late to work five times, and received more than 10 tickets for “driving too slow” or “obstructing traffic.”

Worst of all, these garbage trucks collect trash just to spew it all over my car. Last Monday, as I drove behind one, a stream of plastic grocery bags flew from the truck onto the road. I later discovered that all 25 bags had somehow lodged themselves into my tailpipe, melting onto it. Despite my best efforts at scraping it off, I still smell the toxic, burning plastic every time I drive. It has ruined my health, and I have the doctor’s notes and test results to prove it.

The following day, an overfilled garbage truck slammed on its brakes, and an untied trash bag toppled over the back. The bag burst mid-flight and unloaded not one, not two, but 11 bulging diapers onto my windshield. I am still cleaning off the diarrhea smudges with my new windshield wipers—and police officers continue to ticket me for “illegally tinted windows.”

Finally, another garbage truck plowed through my mailbox last Thursday as I was pulling out of my driveway. When I stepped out of my car to confront the driver, the truck took off down the road, tires screeching. In its wake, four unsecured trash bags bounced out the back and split open midair, raining down 53 soiled diapers onto me and my petunia garden. Please inform the driver that the court date for his shit-and-run is next month.

I have called the city 97 times, emailed 138 officials, and knocked on every office door in City Hall to no avail. In fact, you even had the police arrest me while I was exercising my right to protest by burning a garbage truck effigy in front of your offices. Since you have decided to ignore my concerns, I have been forced to write to The Faux Gazette to name and shame you.

My doctor and I have signed up to speak at the city council meeting next month to present my case. I hope my fellow residents will join me in urging the council to do something about this city’s garbage truck crisis. Under no circumstances should we have to endure toxic fumes, diaper bombardment, or wanton destruction of mailboxes on our roads. Let us remind our elected officials that waste management does not mean waste distribution.

A. H. Arpy

Fauxburg